Theme Verse: Proverbs 4:23 “Keep your heart pure for out of it are the important things of life.”
First, we need to be clear that opposite sex friendships are not sinful in and of themselves. They can be as pure as the relationships the Lord Jesus had with His female disciples… or they can be sinful in that they cross healthy and protective boundaries. The relationships we have with those of the opposite sex should always be conducted within Biblical parameters. This is not only due to maintaining a good testimony before others but more importantly before the Lord.
First, regarding men, we read in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 the following:
“You asked me some questions in your letter. This is my answer. It is good if a man does not get married. But because of being tempted to sex sins, each man should get married and have his own wife. Each woman should get married and have her own husband.” (New Life Version)
Notice the words, “But because of being tempted to sex sins.”
While women can and do lust, men are more prone to lust than women and the apostle Paul speaks directly to the men in this passage as he, being a man, knows all too well what the enemy brings to men in the area of sexuality. It’s not a matter of if we’re tempted to sin sexually… it’s a matter of when. And while this passage is addressed primarily to single Believers, who among us would say that married men are not in the exact same boat as single men? I would argue that in some cases married men are even more tempted as the enemy is out to destroy godly families. Note what the apostle Paul instructs in 1 Corinthians 7:5 regarding sexual intimacy between husbands and wives and it’s connection to being protected from sexual temptation:
1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (New Living Translation)
Interestingly, Paul doesn’t speak here about being tempted only by carnal thoughts in our minds as James does in James 1:14 where he says, “A man is tempted to do wrong when he lets himself be led by what his bad thoughts tell him to do.”
Paul connects sexual intimacy in marriage with protection from sexual temptation that comes directly from both an inward lack of self control coupled with a demonic supernatural attack from satan himself. Many temptations we face come from others around us, things, personal desires that go unchecked, etc; yet, in relation to marital protection from sexual temptation, Paul not only connects ur inward unchecked desires but combines them with demonic entities enticing us.
Therefore, it is all the more wise for married men – and women! – to recognize that they aren’t immune to sexual temptation and may in fact come under more frequent attacks in this area.
Due to this, for example, should a married professing believer engage in personal conversations with those of the opposite sex who are not their spouse? Absolutely not as it invites satan to come in and place a stronhold in the mind of the Believer over an extended period of conversations being built on day by day, week by week, month by month; it never takes place immediately; there’s always a build-up until one day the Believer falls, either sexually, emotionally or intellectually. Personal conversations of an intimate (not merely sexual) nature should be avoided. Why? Because one or all of the components – sexual, emotional, intellectual- are not only a possibility but a done deal if engaged in over an extended period of time. This is why there should never be a single time. Married men and women who engage in personal conversations with the opposite sex other than their spouse are encouraged to ask the Lord to search their hearts for the reason(s) why they would engage in this kind of conduct.
In Galatians 5:19 we read the following:
“The things your sinful old self wants to do are: sex sins, sinful desires, wild living”. (New Life Version)
Notice “sinful desires”. Yes; desires themselves can be sinful. For example, if I as a husband choose to engage in an opposite-sex friendship which includes the sharing of personal information with someone who is not my wife and my wife raises a concern over it and I brush that concern aside, I’m living in a sinful desire, rebelling against Biblical wisdom and bringing dishonour and shame to my marital covenant. Rather than see my wife’s concern and accept her concern as legitimate, I’m seeking my own way in order to continue the friendship, work relationship, church connection, etc. To some, this may seem to be a small thing but the reality is that it’s nothing less than a mountain of coming problems and it’s a direct invitation for satan to come in and bring one’s mind and emotions into further sinful desire.
In the same chapter in verse 21 in the English Standard Version we read, “I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
Wait! You mean engaging in a sinful desire will exclude me from God’s Kingdom? Yes. Paul the Apostle makes this abundantly clear. Notice he didn’t literally say we would be excluded from Heaven – though that is also clear in the text – but rather from the Kingdom of God. What is the Kingdom of God?
Luke 11:20, “But if I am casting out demons by the power of God, then the Kingdom of God has arrived among you.” (New Living Translation)
When we think about the Kingdom of God, we think about Heaven, yet here we see that the Kingdom of God is evidenced by the miraculous here on earth; in this case the casting out of demons. We also see that it “has arrived among you”; this is a clear indication that God’s Kingdom is God’s power manifested in and through a life to those around that person who carries Kingdom power. In short, the Kingdom of God is walking in power over demons, sickness, sin, etc.
Thus, if we violate the clear commands of Scripture, we’ll have no power in our personal lives; we’ll be power-less and will be easy pickings for the devil to plant all kinds of things in our minds and hearts. When a Believer is powerless due to engaging in sin, sinful desires and sinful conduct, whether knowingly or unintentionally, that Believer places him or herself outside of protection in the area(s) he or she is violating spiritual principles in. Anyone engaging in activity outside of the boundaries of the Word of God will always fall… 100% of the time. Why? Because they’ve already fallen; and many simply don’t recognize it or minimize it in order to continue violating the heart of God. There’s no difference here where it pertains to opposite-sex relationships of any kind.
Engaging with those of the opposite sex in relational bonding is a violation of the marriage covenant. But what is relational bonding? In it’s simplest form, it’s getting to know someone on a level deeper than one should go. For example, if I have a co-worker who is a female and I’m with her or several of them each day, I, as a married man, have absolutely no business knowing about their home life, personal interests, what foods they like, what their childhood upbringing was, etc. Yet, many married couples violate the relational bond principle by allowing opposite sex co workers, friends, church contacts, etc to tell them about their problems, likes, dislikes, interests, etc. Over a period of time, the married individual now knows everything about them. It’s ungodly and as we’ve already seen, the Scripture warns against these kinds of interactions, regardless of context or environment. Why? Relational bonding has never in history taken place over the course of 1 or 2 or sometimes even 6 months; it’s a slow, consistent progression into learning about another individual over a long period of time. During this time, you’re gathering more information, further bonding, deeper friendships and ties… and it all leads to one thing: sin. Whether that’s sexual, emotional or intellectual, what would be in me to desire to dishonour my spouse in this way? Even more importantly, why would I want to deliberately harm the heart of Jesus? As a Believer, I wouldn’t want these things. If I did, there’s a clear indication of a deep spiritual cancer within me that I must resist and battle for the sake of purity and godliness.
What should my reaction be as a married man to anyone of the opposite sex trying to engage me in personal conversation? To offer comfort? To rebuke her for violating my own Biblical boundaries of not engaging in such conversations? To brush it off and say nothing? I would immediately shut it down without wanting to insult or hurt their feelings; afterall, not everyone is sharing personal life stories, constantly telling jokes and laughing, etc for bad reasons so we must keep this in mind when confronting an issue. The best remedy, at least initially, is to change the topic or add into it. Let me give you an example. April and John are co-workers and they see each other day after day, month after month.
April (Unsaved woman at work): Hey! I took a drive out to this beautiful spot last night and watched the sun go down. It was so amazing! Look at the pictures I caught!”
John (Married Christian man): Those are absolutely stunning! Where exactly was this? I have a feeling my wife is going to love this place!”
Immediate, the conversation goes from April opening the personal conversation over to John’s taking over the conversation and including his wife into it. This (1) let’s April know John’s mind is on his wife and (2) prevents April from now continuing the conversation without including John’s wife. If, however, April would continue and brush off John’s statement about his wife, John would then be obligated to end the conversation as it’s not appropriate for April to be bringing sunsets and beautiful scenery to a married man. His response could be something like, “I really appreciate you showing me all of these pictures! This has nothing to do with YOU, April, but I think if my wife was here seeing me looking through your photos of beautiful scenery and sunsets, she’d be very uncomfortable, and that makes me uncomfortable.” If you, as a married man or woman had to go that route, which is still a very good route to take, it would feel awkward. Yet, let me ask you a question; is saving yourself from potential awkwardness more important than the spouse you made your vows with? Honour your spouse above all others. Isn’t that why you got married in the first place? To be exclusive in your heart, sexual life and intellectual life, including allowing others to share personal details with you? Be a God-honouring Christian and avoid bringing shame to your testimony and dishonour to your spouse.
But isn’t this going a bit far? No; engaging in it for even one second is what’s going too far. It signals to the opposite sex that I’m OK with their sharing personal information with me. That’s a problem because (1) that isn’t my spouse and (2) I’m a married person listening to life stories, engaging in intellectual conversations and/or sharing photos from a co-worker? While this isn’t technically adultery, it most certainly falls under the same principle as it contains some of the same elements that birth adultery. Why would I, as a married man, every engage in areas that contain even 1 ingredient that leads to adultery, whether sexual, emotional or intellectual adultery? Bonds slowly develop this way, without our realizing it until it’s too late. I’m simply not going to go there with another female who isn’t my spouse. Period. No loopholes. It’s a sinful desire and I’m not engaging in it. If I do, I dishonour Christ, my spouse, my marriage and I forfeit God’s Kingdom power in my life. Is it worth it? No, it’s not.
The above said, we have men at times, especially men who are beta males who are “in touch with their feelings” will sometimes spill their personal stories to a female who isn’t their spouse. If you’re a Christian male and you do that … you already know you’re practicing what God disapproves of. Who gave you the authority to approach a woman who isn’t your wife and share intimate details of your personal life with her? It certainly wasn’t the Holy Spirit. I say this with complete conviction that God vindicates what I’m saying by His Word. You have no business or justifiable reason to share private personal stories with anyone not your spouse or within the context of a conversation where your spouse is present. Short of that, you have undealt with lust in your heart. Perhaps not sexual lust. Maybe a lust for attention or companionship your wife isn’t providing; perhaps a desire to connect with someone or even a group on a deeper level. No matter what kind of lust it is… it’s sinful lust and you need to stop it. Men should never share their burdens with women, including their wives.
Husbands and wives are exclusive to one another and this includes personal conversations of an intimate nature. Notice I didn’t say “of a sexual nature”. That goes without saying. Intimacy begins when an individual shares intimate details of their lives. The only context this is proper in is in the context of marriage. For example, if you’re a female and begin telling me about the abuse of your past, I would respectfully but firmly have to object to you going any further. I would direct you to your husband/fiance, pastor and it’s leaders (if you were a Christian); if not, to a qualified Christian counsellor. What I would not do is allow myself to fall into the trap of an emotional bond over your sharing of personal stories with me. One time? It all starts with one time. An addict had to take that first hit before the hit eventually took him. It all starts with one seemingly innocent conversation. Yet, if such a person is able to share intimate details even once and I allow my ears to take it in, they’ll do it again and again and again over the course of time until I know every aspect of their lives and heart. This is adultery of heart; if you and I can’t see this, we’re not in the company of countless godly men and women who clearly do see this and speak out boldly against it.
So, what are the boundaries that married men and women should place around their lives for the honor of the Lord, their spouses and their marriages? Let’s go over some basic common sense boundaries.
1- Don’t be alone with the opposite sex. Ever. For any reason. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
(If you are due to your workplace, keep the conversations based on the workplace, just as you should in any environment where you’re interacting with someone of the opposite sex. Don’t giggle, laugh and tell jokes with the opposite sex while alone; that’s inappropriate. In a group setting where it’s meant for all and is also clean? Of course! Yet consistently “joking around” and “laughing” with anyone at all of the opposite sex while alone or semi-alone… imagine if your spouse walked in at the moment you were laughing away with a co-worker; would you continue or would you immediately feel awkward? Hopefully you’d feel awkward. That kind of flippant conduct is unbecoming of a Christian. In fact, if you’re laughing along with the ungodly, heed the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character”. The idea that lost people are “good” is a fallacy; they’re lost and under the wrath of God (John 3). The quickest route to destroying your godly character and becoming the same as your co-workers/non Christian “friends” is to laugh at what they laugh at; to approve of what they say and do. You’re a called-out-one; don’t let the lost corrupt your walk with Christ.
2- Don’t share personal information with people of the opposite sex outside of the presence of your spouse or church group, etc. Doing so invites a connection meant for your spouse alone. No one else. For all, as well as married men and women, Song of Solomon 3:5 should be memorized. “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (ESV). By sharing intimate details of your life with someone not your spouse, you run the potential and probable risk of awakening something in them where they now see you as not merely a friend or co-worker or brother/sister but as someone they’re becoming too familiar with emotionally. You and I should never engage in or listen to anyone not our spouse who brings personal information to us, in a group setting or an individual setting; it’s inappropriate and additionally can create problems in the future that you could have dealt with now in the present.
3- Never touch someone of the opposite sex in any way other than a handshake. You and I have absolutely no business putting our arm around another male or female. This includes in the church setting as well. I’m married; I don’t want another female giving me a hug. Yes, it may be innocent but no, it’s not appropriate. The kind of physical closeness a side or full hug brings is intimate and reserved for married couples alone.
4- Speak of your spouse often to church friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. That gives the other person the clear message that you’re (1) godly and (2) faithful. You can’t be faithful if you’re not godly and if you’re not godly you’re talking about secular things, laughing and joking around with people you have no business doing that with. Legalism you say? Not at all. Jesus never joked around and laughed with the girls; He didn’t even do that with the guys; there’s a worldliness to jesting. We read in Ephesians 5:4 “Do not be guilty of telling bad stories and of foolish talk. These things are not for you to do. Instead, you are to give thanks for what God has done for you.” (NLV)
Foolish talk is a broad term. It can include gossip, mocking others, slander, telling stories that make others look bad, etc. There are many categories of foolish talk and secular joking around. It’s all flesh and worldliness; why would a Believer engage with friends, co-workers and even other professing Christians who constantly try to make people laugh with secular “funny” statements? It may be normal to worldly people; it should be abhorrent to you and I as it was for Jesus. The only “funny” I want is what’s funny with a godly touch to it; like Michael Jr (Christian comedian); I have no interest in the “funny” that the world brings to me. My flesh may but for the glory of God, I’ll not partake with the wicked in what they consider “funny”.
5- Don’t share tangible items with people you’re not married to. Don’t lend things or accept things. Why? You’re then obligated to that individual and you don’t know their motives. As a married person, if you need something, your husband can provide it and if you’re the husband, you have no justification for accepting any gift or a lend of something from another female. Obviously I’m not referring to in-laws, group potlucks, group sharing, etc; I’m referencing people of the opposite sex that you and I, as married people, should not be engaging with in tangible things without there being the context of a group where things are laid out for everyone… as opposed to just one. No, I don’t want to trade what I have for what you have. No, I don’t want to borrow your Bible or get a drive in your car with you because mine broke down; I can call uRide or a cab, etc. It’s dishonouring to the Lord and my marriage if I engage in this kind of behaviour.
6- Never comment on or accept comments about physical appearance. It doesn’t matter that you like my tattoos; keep that to yourself. I know it’s an innocent compliment but it’s ammunition satan will use every single time to infiltrate my mind. Whatever you think of my appearance is none of my business and I will never comment to any female on her looks and what I think is attractive about her hair or eyes, etc. It’s just not something I would do as a married man and I wouldn’t accept compliments either. If a female were to tell me, “I think you have great lips!” I’d respond with, “My wife says the same!”. That would end the compliment immediately and no doubt let the woman know what I’m truly saying, “You’ve just crossed a line; please don’t do it again”.
7- Never attend a party, staff party, Christmas gathering, etc where alcohol is served and especially where your spouse is not present. Sure you don’t drink but they do. Worldly people tend to get a lot free-er with their words and hands when consuming alcohol. As a married Believer, you have no business being in any environment that promotes that kind of immorality. Staff party? You should be super pumped in Christ not to attend; it should warm your heart that you aren’t among those whom God’s wrath is on. If you aren’t, something is very wrong with your profession of faith. A Believer attending under the name of “staff party” or “Family gathering” where people are drinking is a Believer who resembles the very people they’re in that environment with. In Galatians 5:19-21 it specifically mentions parties and drinking: “The things your sinful old self wants to do are: sex sins, sinful desires, wild living, worshiping false gods, witchcraft, hating, fighting, being jealous, being angry, arguing, dividing into little groups and thinking the other groups are wrong, false teaching, wanting something someone else has, killing other people, using strong drink, wild parties, and all things like these. I told you before and I am telling you again that those who do these things will have no place in the holy nation of God.” (NLV). This is a clear directive to avoid gatherings or any kind with drinking and/or partying (partying and drinking are separated in the verse, showing they are distinct, even though often they are combined. Partying doesn’t always involve alchol, as the verse shows; we’re to avoid these parties just as we would a drinking party).
So … what can I, as a married person, do/talk about with others who are not my spouse? The answer is simple; anything at all that doesn’t violate the principles of Scripture. If it’s not a personal conversation about one’s life story, interests, photos, etc … then by all means. We’re Christians; we’re called to be friendly, loving, kind, generous and compassionate to everyone, saved or lost. Our conversations are no different; there are many surface topics we can discuss freely with anyone. Let the Spirit of the Lord lead you and you’ll have no problems holding to godly boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships.
In conclusion, always ask yourself these three questions when engaging with the opposite sex as a married person:
1- Is Jesus motivating me while I’m in conversation with this person?
2- Is this conversation/conduct bringing pure Glory to Jesus?
3- Would my spouse approve of this?
A godly woman is reserved and chaste; pure and separate from the customs, mannerisms, jokes and stories of those around her. A godly man is a man who is also reserved; no tolerance for women engaging in personal details of her life; no tolerance for compliments unless those compliments are from his wife.
Concluding Remarks:
Are you a godly wife/husband? When your spouse approaches you with a concern are you defensive of your opposite-sex friends and of yourself or do you humbly acknowledge that you may be unknowingly setting yourself up for future destruction? What men consider small, God calls a mountain.
Closing Verse: Proverbs 4:23 “Keep your heart pure for out of it are the important things of life.”
And on your last text, “According to you ….” I asked you last night, “Want me to submit it?” and YOU said “No, I want you to stop being ridiculous”. That’s why I said good morning; that’s why I chose to overlook your two day argument with me over THE BIBLE. So don’t blame for me being upset at you; you’ve shown me nothing but bitterness and a spirit that seeks to divide. It grosses me out and makes me want to keep away from you.
