(written with a touch of satire)
1- If the worship music isn’t “anointed enough”, it’s an indication you need to get out … and get out fast! Any church without professional musicians is clearly “not of God”. If hymns are sung rather than Jesus Culture’s “sloppy wet kisses”, you’re in an 1800’s style church. It’s boring and you shouldn’t have to turn to hymn # 355.
2- If the Pastor hits on touchy topics like homosexuality, abortion, sleeping around before marriage… you need to scram! You’re obviously in the wrong church if your sin is being called out. You need to find a church where you can sin “and” still be “under grace”. Find a church that will let you “be in ministry”, click “like” on grace statuses and still drink like a fish and sleep around like it’s no one’s business.
3- If you find a church with less than 50 people it’s obviously a cult. As an added red flag, if they don’t meet in an actual building then you know you’re in satan’s house. Get out while you still have your soul! Only the devil would stop the church from growing. Forget discipleship… focus on numbers!
4- If they speak in tongues and prophesy you need to hit the door and do it quick! God doesn’t speak today outside of the written Word! Anyone claiming that “God led me to do such and such” is mentally ill. If the leaders say it… well… leave. Do it now. You can’t hear God for yourself today… no matter what those crazy “God told me’s” told you!
5- If anyone in the church is sad, depressed, angry or hurt, that’s a clear indication that God isn’t there! His house is a Happy House… all the time! If you’re in a church where real people are really suffering through real life situations, time to find a church where everyone is smiling and no one is crying. Never ever for any reason attend a church that has people in it who need to be loved into spiritual health.
6- If members of the church actually do things outside of the church like meet with people pray with people, etc… you’re in a wacky church! Only Pastors and Leaders are called to do anything that looks like “ministry”… so run! If people other than the leaders are actually obeying Jesus by preaching the Gospel, ministering to the broken and loving on the lost you’re in a church filled with wanna-be leaders and that’s always dangerous!
7- If the church doesn’t have a coffee shop, 25 home groups and if it’s not following Beth Moore or Joyce Meyer’s latest Bible Study Plan… you need to find a church that does have these things! Only churches that have the most programs and who follow a Televangelists’s Bible Study Plan are “really from God”. Forget churches that stick to simple Christianity… they’re boring and they suck, quite frankly.
8- If your church doesn’t host a “Healing Evangelist” or “Miracle Conference” at least once a year… you’re in a messed up church that doesn’t believe in the Power of the Holy Spirit! Churches that invite big name preachers to teach them how to “heal the sick” and “cast out demons” are the churches you need to be at! Forget about actually reading the Bible and just doing what it says…find a church that invites “Healing Evangelists” and “Miracle Workers” who can show you the “secret of activating the Anointing”!
9- If the leaders of your church don’t constantly beg for your money by telling you that you can’t “outgive God” then you’re in a poverty focused church! God wants your 10% because He needs it and more importantly YOU need to “get blessed”! Forget being a Spirit-Led Giver and leave any church that isn’t a Law-Bound Tither! Make sure you find a church that preaches that Abraham tithed and that if you don’t… you’re ripping God off and you’re under a curse!
10- Every Christian has a demon livin’ inside of him…somewhere! Make sure that if your church doesn’t hold regular “deliverance services” where Christians are “delivered from demons” that you get out! Why? Because your church doesn’t care about you! If they did… they’d find the demons in you so you wouldn’t have to be living in sin anymore! Forget repentance… you have demons! That’s why you’re shacked up and on drugs! It ain’t your fault; it’s the devil’s! Find a church that will tell you that it’s “a demon in you”.
